Having spent the last two years consumed by feeding, changing diapers, racing to day care and doctor appointments and answering the question “Why, mommy, why?” I found myself stumbling for something to write about. I have worked for the same company for almost four years, recently married my partner and devote any free time to our two daughters and my stepson. My life has become rather predictable — well, as much as life with three children can be. Trips to the emergency room, explosive diapers, laughter, and meltdowns aren’t so predictable! I often reflect on the year I
spent in Iraq, sitting in city council meetings, attending dinners at the governor’s house, never sure of what was going to happen next. In hindsight, that time of my life was filled with excitement, fear, laughter, tears, and a lot of uncertainty. Suddenly, all of those emotions have resurfaced.
Last Tuesday, I walked into the small conference room with a cup of coffee and a smile, confident and prepared to discuss my professional goals and expectations upon returning from three months of maternity leave. After a few sips of coffee, updates on the family, and a few jokes, I quickly learned that my days with the company are limited; unless the company wins a new contract, I will be out of work mid-November, one of the unemployed masses. As I sat listening to people around me talk about how things might change over the next six weeks, the phrase “at least nothing is blowing up around me” popped into my head. I’ve found that phrase has served as a mantra to help me keep things in perspective. It often helps me relax in what could be stressful situations.
As I walked out all I could say was “Thank you,” and with a chuckle added “now I have something to write about.” I thought to myself, here is the inspiration I was seeking.
I’m certain that “thank you” wasn’t the reaction my boss, the C.F.O., and the Human Resources director were expecting to hear as the meeting came to a close. I even surprised myself. I thought I would have felt a range of negative emotions, but instead my first reaction was a feeling of liberation.
The last time I felt this uncertain about the future and free to head down any path, was in 2004. I had just returned from a year in Iraq and had finally completed my six-year enlistment with the Army. At that time I was single, driving cross country, a pile of clothes and a guitar strewn across the back seat, enjoying my freedom. I was living on my own schedule, no uniforms, no Arabic, just my music, my journal and the ability to go anywhere I pleased. I was proud of having served, but ready to move on and live my life as I pleased.
Now, life is much different, freedom comes in the form of running to the grocery store on my own, taking a shower without hearing “mommy,” or getting 15 minutes to read a magazine. The fact that I felt liberated instead of worried or overwhelmed when I heard about my job, leads me to believe that in the end, I will find a position that is more suited for me. I have been so focused on the needs of everyone else in my life that this change of events is going to allow me to focus on myself again. It gives me the opportunity to explore different avenues. To feel like the free-spirited person I used to be.
I realize that my optimism is not going to change the state of the job market, or the economy. I am not blind to the message that unemployment is at a record high and it will be a challenge finding a new job. All forms of media are sending the message loud and clear. Rather than feeling helpless, however, I choose to feel empowered to focus on myself, my family, and finding a new direction in which to take all of us. I feel like I am on the open road again — only this time with a back seat full of kids’ car seats.
Source : http://homefires.blogs.nytimes.com
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